The Art Of Communication

Do you find yourself becoming frustrated that people just don’t seem to listen to you? In a group conversation do you find yourself on the outskirts looking in and nobody appears to give any weight to your point of view. Are there times when it feels like you’re speaking ‘Double Dutch’ simply because others do the complete opposite to the instructions you’ve given? Then it’s likely that your communication skills could do with improving. Effective communication does not happen by accident there are key skills we can develop to ensure we are understood no matter whom we are talking to and what the circumstances.

How many times have you fallen out with someone, perhaps one of the people closest to you, your spouse, a close family member, a dear friend or have you ever had an altercation or felt frustrated at work that someone is not listening, maybe your boss, another team member or even a client? 99% of all of the miss-communications that happen arise because either others interpret what we say differently than the way we intended, or because we’ve attached a different meaning to what’s being said to us and then we act accordingly.

Finding the meaning in communication

Therefore, in order to become better at communication it’s worth understanding more about how we communicate with others and how we interpret the meaning behind what’s being communicated to us. As adults we often assume that communication is all verbal so first let’s understand how we begin to communicate and interact with our world.

There have been numerous studies carried out on communication and how it is made up and it is widely accepted that communication can be broken down into 3 key areas, what we say, how we say it and how we move as we say it. However, I believe there is a fourth key to communication that is vitally important, which is, your intentions as you communicate with others. Remember it’s all about how others interpret the meaning behind what you say not what you say. In this newsletter we’re going to look at the first key: what we say.

Key 1: What we say

The words we chose are more a reflection of ourselves than the person we’re speaking to. What we say verbally is a direct reflection of our ‘self-talk’, our own Vicky Pollard voice and choose words that have the appropriate amount of emotional intensity attached to them – for us. However, the words that we use may mean nothing to the other person; therefore the first big clue in communicating more effectively with others is to listen very carefully to their choice of language, then use key phrases that are relevant to them.

Think how much more difficult it is to communicate with someone who does not share the same first language as yourself even though it’s possible to translate their words in your mind, often the meaning is lost in the translation. If you don’t believe me, try telling your favourite joke in a foreign language and I bet you won’t receive many laughs from your audience.

Even in your own language there are huge variations between countries, regions, dialect, colloquial phrases; even in a business often a cultural language will emerge, that to any new employee can seem daunting. I once worked for a global business that had its own phrase book!

However, the words we use are also a reflection of something known as our own ‘Primary Re-presentational System’ which is scientific speak for what basically means the primary strategy in which our brains store up and then re-present information. This is sometimes referred to as the VAK system.

The VAK system

• Video

The first style within this framework is known as ‘Visual’, which means that the people with this style tend to think visually. So if you are communicating with someone, how is it possible to spot if they are a visual thinker, or indeed how can you work out if this is your primary style? This is where your ‘Scooby ears’ once again become really important as you need to turn up your sensory acuity in order to pick up on any ‘Visual’ cues. Visual thinkers all posses a number of key characteristics, but it’s worth bearing in mind that not every Visual thinker, or indeed any of the other primary styles, exhibit every characteristic in their style, but when you are picking up on a person’s cues it’s like putting together pieces of a jigsaw. Not every piece needs to be present before you are able to build up the whole picture.

Visual thinkers talk very very quickly usually in an animated manner. They use their hands and lots of gestures when they are speaking. I’m a highly visual thinker and I can remember when I was a child my Granny making me sit on my hands to keep me quiet; I absolutely lost all ability to speak in that moment as I find it so hard to do so, if I’m not moving my hands. However, the easiest clue to decide if a person is Visual is to listen to their choice of words as their language will be peppered with visual references such as:

o       ‘I see what you mean’

o       ‘That looks good to me’

o       ‘Let me show you’

o       ‘Do you get the picture?’

Visual thinkers make sense of their world visually which means if you are communicating with a person who thinks visually they are not able to retain information if it is only communicated verbally, even if they appear to be listening very hard. After about 10 seconds their brain goes on mute and they can’t retain the audio information. To compensate for this they will have a desire to write things down and they love pictures, colours, charts, graphs or any visual representations of the same information. In a business environment I can often spot the visual thinkers immediately as they are the team members who are constantly armed with ‘pen & paper’ – they never leave their desk without it!

So if you are communicating with someone who has a visual style, first think of the environment you are in, as they will become easily distracted by changes in their periphery vision yet they often respond well to ‘white noise’ in the background and prefer that to complete silence. So for example if you have a primary style of visual you are much more likely to want the radio on in the background regardless of whether you are in a work environment or are pottering about your home.

Clearly someone with this style would much prefer any communication to be supported with visual references, so draw your explanation, or use a picture. Finally, include visual language when you speak as when you say ‘let me show you’ unconsciously a visual thinker’s brain will be taking a big sigh of relief and thinking ‘ye ha – no translation required’.

• Audio

   

The next style in the VAK system is known as Audio. So unlike the Visual thinkers, people who have a Primary Representational System of Audio make sense of their world through sound and again they exhibit some key characteristics.

A person with an Audio style has a much more paced rhythmical pattern to their flow of speech compared to people with a primary visual style. Audios love the sounds of words and will use an elaborate vocabulary to express themselves. One of the biggest cues to picking up on their style is to again listen to the language that person uses. So whereas a visual person is likely to say “Let me show you” an audio person will instead say “Let me tell you”. Some more examples of audio styled language include:

o       ‘Listen to this’

o       ‘I hear you’

o       ‘Sounds like a plan’

o       ‘That rings a bell’

This kind of person prefers to just be told the information. Diagrams, pictures and charts just over complicate the information as far as they are concerned. So a person with this style would prefer a verbal explanation, they do not feel the need to make notes or write things down. Unlike the Visuals, background noise drives the Audios crazy and in order to think clearly they prefer peace and quiet.

In one of my corporate training sessions I remember one delegate who at this point in the programme threw their hands up in the air and exclaimed “That’s why he’s like that”. It turns out that the person in question the delegate was referring to was this hotel manager’s Head Chef. Every morning they would have a logistics meeting to discuss the events of that day, stock levels and any other points of business. The General Manager would turn up to the meeting with pen and paper, print outs of any relevant figures and lots of diagrams to work through. Whereas the Head Chef would simply turn up to the meeting, sit down and fold his arms. He never took any notes yet was able to answer every question accurately and could repeat back verbatim every detail of the meeting.

The General Manager used to find this exasperating and thought the Head Chef was simply trying to prove a point. Clearly the General Manager had a Primary Re-presentational system of Visual, whereas the Head Chef was Audio in style. Even if the Chef had taken notes in the meeting, once he’d referred back to them later, they would have made absolutely no sense whatsoever. His brain would be recalling the words and sounds of the meeting.

• Kinaesthetic

Kinaesthetic cues are very distinctive; as although their minds maybe working overtime because they are so internally referenced often they struggle to put into words what they are thinking. This means, that to the other styles, they sometimes appear to be distant or detached. They may even have very breathy speech, a verbal reflex such as a ‘hum’ or ‘emm’, or even a slight stutter.

Compared to the other two styles, Kinaesthetics have a very very slow pace of speech which can often frustrate the other styles – particularly the Visuals who babble away at an enormous rate of knots. Kinaesthetic language makes references to connection be that an inner connection or a connection with their physical environment.

o       ‘Get a hold of’

o       ‘Tap into’

o       ‘I have a sense for’

o       ‘Make contact’

o       ‘Catch on’

If you find yourself communicating with a kinaesthetic person, it’s important that they interact physically as much as possible, as that is how their brains store information, make sense of it and then recall from memory.

Which style are you?

Now at this point it’s likely that you’ve begun to identify which is the style you believe to be your Primary Re-presentational System. If so, great, if you’re still wondering, ask yourself how you prefer to be given information. Then if your natural inclination is to write things down, to make lists and you are draw to visual references then it’s likely you are more Visual. Whereas if you are able to remember a long list of verbal instructions – can someone tell you a big list of items to collect at the supermarket, and you’re able to hold that information in your head, then you are more inclined to be Audio in style. Whereas if you notice that you have a very slow pace of speech and other annoyingly impatient people i.e. the Visuals, keep finishing your sentences for you; or that you only truly understand something after you’ve done it, then it’s likely you have a preferred style of Kinaesthetic.

However, you may be thinking “Actually I feel an affinity to each style and relate to more than one type of characteristic” then actually that’s absolutely great, as one of the key skills in being able to communicate more effectively with others is to use that person’s preferred style. In fact it’s less important which style you are, it’s more about being flexible in your communication to match the cues of the other person.

It’s also possible to revert into different styles in different scenarios and with different people. For example, my natural style is Visual yet my husband’s natural style is Kinaesthetic so I often find myself becoming more Kinaesthetic the moment I step across the threshold when I arrive home.

Learn to adapt your style to that of the other person and you will instantly become more easily understood, and will reduce the chance of any miss-communication in the translation.

So now you appreciate how important it is to understand our choice of words...go out there and see the difference it makes!